August 15, 2011
You know when they shear sheep they get wool? Well. They cut off all their hair and fur and then? You can see their privacy!!
Drake Kelly, explaining the process by which we get wool.  
August 13, 2011
I am both an artist and a creatist. That means. I’m artistic. And I create inventions.
Drake Kelly, while using his chalkboard to engineer his latest invention.  
August 13, 2011
A makeup party is when you makeup. Like you know. You get in the jewelry box and you paint your eyes and stuff.
Drake Kelly, commenting on a photo of a group of Aunt Cindy’s friends from 1997.
August 7, 2011
Drake: I have a girlfriend.
Grammy: Who is she?
Drake: I don’t know her name but she is BEAUTIFUL.
Grammy: What is beautiful about her?
Drake: She has skin like me and hair like me but it’s darker, and big blue eyes, and pretty clothes, and she has the most BEAUTIFUL BLINK in the world.
Grammy: Blink?
Drake: Yes. Blink. Like this: (flutters eyes)
Grammy: Ooh.
Drake: Yes, and she wears LOVE SHIRTS.
Grammy: What is a love shirt?
Drake: Well, they have hearts all over them.
Grammy: I see.
Drake: And she loves buckeyes.
Grammy: How do you know she loves buckeyes?
Drake: Well, I told her I have my very own buckeye tree. And she said, “I love buckeyes.
Conversation between my mother and my nephew this weekend.  
June 4, 2011
I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking that house is looking at them. That’s a scary house.
Drake Kelly, watching Monster House. 
May 26, 2011
My lungs just got all tangled up.
Drake Kelly, after coughing.
May 26, 2011
Where did I put that big magnet? I need to mag sumping.
Drake Kelly
May 24, 2011
Big girls are too hard to fight.
Drake Kelly, on the secret to the universe.
May 16, 2011
You know what this looks like? This looks like the road to a YETI.
Drake Kelly, as we were driving up Raindrop Road to the farm where my grandmother grew up.  
May 16, 2011
I wear hot heels I wear sweet shirts I’m going to count down singing on the bleachers.
Drake Kelly’s version of “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift.
May 9, 2011
That building is 100 feet tall. That building looks 600 feet tall. 600 feet and 1 feet tall! Look at that building is 1000 feet tall! This looks like America.
Drake Kelly, 5 (While driving down Liberty Avenue, Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, May 9, 2011).  
May 8, 2011

Drake:
Do you like to know about my new bention? The Nail Bention 2000 if you have a nail thing, and you want to put nails in your wall and it won’t fit, you can get one of these. If you want to hang thngs up and you can’t fit it, that’s a job for Nail Bention 2000. Just sixty hundred dollars! And six pennies. Or you can have a Girlfriend Bention, free!

Me: What is a Girlfriend Invention?

Drake: A Girlfriend. For me.

Me: What does it do?

Drake: She walks. And speaks.

(Nail Bention 2000 is a piece of styrofoam with nails and screws stuck in it.  Girlfriend Bention is a medicine box with a snowglobe on top of it.)